Healing LGBTQIA+ Collective Trauma Through Relationship

For too many of us within the LGBTQIA+ community, we share an experience of rejection, exclusion and conditional belonging. 

When traditional gender roles and orientation are assumed, members of of LGBQTIA+ community can be forced to choose between quietly feeling, “it’s so nice to be part of this, but if they really knew me…” or openly flagging who we are, while knowing we’re filtering out a percentage of the people we come across.  All too often that includes co-workers, friends, family, caretakers, even partners or our own children.

Queer and trans culture is full of ways we come together around this collective trauma; and those moments of vigil, dancing, resistance and shared resilience are beautiful!  Also, there are times when our pain around belonging creeps into our relationships, steers us towards isolation, leads us to reject others, makes it hard to believe we can get to resolution, or heightens the ‘ouch’ in a hard conversation.  

This collective pain can impact our ability to come together, to feel comfortable being fully seen and to successfully co-create strong, tender, flexible and resilient shared lives.  And yet, we persevere and continue to grow community and connections.

The way to heal these wounds is relational! We genuinely need one another. This can take developing new skill sets like nonviolent communication. To dive into this further,I recommend checking out the book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD.  Click here to purchase the book and the helpful workbook that goes with it.

I also recommend looking at things through new lenses. Check out Polysecure by Jessica Fern for an accessible look at attachment theory, regardless of relationship structure.

Along with reading and practicing new ways of relating, learning to take a break can be supportive to de-escalate communication. To help increase security and regulation during breaks, I encourage clients to identify how long the break should last and set a time that they can reconnect when they are feeling more grounded. 

Sometimes working with a relational therapist, like myself, can help folks understand relationship patterns, better understand one another, and work through barriers to facing things as a team. 

Our queer community is excellent at breaking down the norms and building our lives back up in ways authentic to ourselves, and that can be such an asset in any relationship! Forming strong relationships (couples, triads, polycules, friendships, families and more) is a way we move through collective trauma into the unique, diverse, glittery and potent communities that nourish us all.

If you are looking for help with your relationship, please feel free to book with me. I look forward to helping you in your journey of relational healing.