How to Cope with Toxic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Holiday Survival Strategies from the Therapists at Willamette Wellness Center

For many people across the Portland and Milwaukie area, the holidays are less “festive family fun” and more “white-knuckling through familiar stress triggers.”

If that’s you, you’re not alone — at Willamette Wellness Center, our in-person and online therapists hear this every year.

The holidays are often seen as a time for friends and family to come together and celebrate the season with food, laughter, and love. But for many, the holidays highlight and intensify the pain that can accompany the absence of a healthy, loving family.

From feeling the perfectionist strain of having a Pinterest-worthy home to Uncle Fred telling the story for the umpteenth time about how you fell down those stairs drunk and landed yourself in the hospital, we can help.

That’s why our Portland-area-based WWC therapists pulled together some grounding, therapist-approved Holiday Survival Strategies to help you navigate tricky family moments with a little more ease (and maybe a bit of humor).

Write Down Your Expectations

What are you hoping will happen (best case scenario) vs. what most likely will happen (based on previous events)? Knowing that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, it’s important to be realistic about how this family event will unfold. It’s ok to listen to the part of you that wishes Mom would be present for once, but it’s also ok to protect yourself emotionally in case she isn’t. Hope + Realism is a healthy formula for the holidays.

Be Prepared Before Something Happens

Have emergency resources on hand in case you start to experience a mental health crisis. We have a comprehensive collection of crisis mental health resources here.

And, if you don’t already have one, start to look for a good therapist to walk this journey with you before the holidays are in full swing. We have some useful tips for finding a therapist on our blog.

The last thing you want to be doing is searching for help while you’re in the middle of passing the cranberries.

Employ the ‘Fuck It’ Rule

Do you have to clean the house, do the grocery shopping, cook the holiday meal, and clean up afterwards all on your own? It’s overwhelming just to write that sentence, let alone carry out all the tasks.

Make a list of everything that needs to be done, then delegate 50% of those responsibilities to a family member or another helper.

• Have your partner do the food shopping,
• Have your kiddo help pick up,
• Hire someone to deep clean before Aunt Gertrude comes.
• Guests can bring a dish to help cut your workload.

After you have decided what you can delegate and what you truly want to do, everything else can go by the wayside thanks to the Fuck It rule.

Yep, I just said that.

The house isn’t spotless? Who cares? You forgot the rolls? Regular bread will do. You ran out of drinks? Hey, look at that, water comes out of the faucet.

I promise that no one will remember these details tomorrow. So, Fuck It, don’t worry about them either. It’s not worth your sanity, mental health, or sobriety to try to have a perfect holiday.

If someone has something to say about the missing jelly on the table, you can share the new rule!

If you struggle with holiday triggers, our therapy team can help you create grounding routines that support your nervous system. Appointments are available online or in person at our Milwaukie, OR office.

Change it All Up!

If remembering your childhood family holidays brings up less than happy feelings, change everything about them!

A great thing about being an adult is that no one can tell you how to celebrate your holiday.

• Find a playlist that gives you joy and have a dance party in your kitchen while you cook.
• Interrupt the awkward family sit-down table time by asking people to write down what they feel thankful for this year and read it out loud (or have another ice breaker like this).
• Alcoholism runs in the family? Pass around chilled apple cider for drinks instead of booze.
• Have the kids put on a play for the adults for some cute comedy after dinner.
• If a traditional meal is just too much, dump that idea and take the family out to dinner.
• Riding solo? Treat yourself to that destination vacation you’ve been dreaming about, and book yourself some massages to boot.

There is literally no one right way to do a holiday, so do it the way that brings YOU the most peace.

Bust Out My Favorite B-word, Boundaries

Be prepared with a boundary statement(s) around people who might try to emotionally harm or embarrass you.

A good way to do this is to imagine what might happen in this situation and have a mental script ready. I learned in graduate school that you can’t control what someone else does, but you can control how you want to respond.

Do you have a relative who tries to humiliate you by constantly telling an embarrassing story in large groups of people? Prepare your mental script and practice it. At the next family function, when they get ready to tell the story, you can state something like: “I can’t control whether or not you are going to tell this story, but I can control whether or not I am going to be here to hear it. If you decide to tell this story, I’ll be leaving.”

Wouldn’t you know it, it’s just not as fun to embarrass someone (if that is the intention), if they can’t hear what you are saying.

A good boundary includes clearly identifying the harmful behavior, stating your intended reaction if it’s continued, and then following through with your action if necessary.

Have a Crisis Buddy and Exit Strategy

If spending the holiday with your family might be too triggering, bring a friend and have a plan to exit the scene quickly if needed. Develop a secret phrase or facial expression that signals you need to leave. Then, cue your bestie’s sudden gastrointestinal distress, which requires leaving ASAP.

Many WWC clients work with our therapists on safety planning and emotional regulation during stressful family events.

You don’t have to subject yourself to abuse to make someone else’s holiday comfortable.

Last but not least!

If all else fails and you have a miserable family interaction over the holidays, bring it to your therapist’s office or a group of trusted friends and dish that shit out like a main course. Your inner circle will understand and love you all the more for being human. Chances are very high that they’ll have a story to share, too.

What are the holidays for, if not for putting the FUN in dysfunction?

And if all else fails, you might at least have a good story to share with your therapist after the holiday ends, because surprise therapists have toxic (ahem) trying family members too – where do you think this list of coping skills came from?

If you’re dreading the holidays or need support with toxic family dynamics, our therapists provide trauma-informed care throughout Oregon and Washington via telehealth, and in-person at our Milwaukie clinic. Fill out the new client form to get started.