Online Gender Wars – Why Our Economic Shifts Have Drained the Dating Pool and What to do About It

Some men feel they are competing with the top 1% of all men in the dating world – and, there might be some truth to their fears…

Why Online Dating Feels Like a Gender War — And How We Got Here

Swipe left. Swipe right. Ghost. Block. Repeat.

For many men and women, online dating has become a frustrating battlefield rather than a bridge to love. To understand why, we have to look at how dating used to work, how society has changed, and how those changes are affecting mental health and relationships today.

A Short History: How Dating Used to Work

In the past, marriage was often about survival rather than romance. Women historically depended on marriage for financial security, as laws and social norms limited their ability to own property or earn substantial wages. Men didn’t always need emotional intelligence to attract a partner — having a stable income and a willingness to marry was often enough.

Fast Forward: Women’s Independence and Selectivity

Today, things are dramatically different. Women now earn about 60% of all college degrees in the U.S. (U.S. Department of Education, 2023) and their median income has risen by 37% since 1970 (Pew Research Center). Financial freedom means women no longer need to settle — they can afford to wait for partners who match them emotionally, intellectually and financially.

Crucially, many women today are not looking for financial assistance as a primary reason to date. Instead, they’re focused on partners who make their lives better emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually. A growing sentiment we have heard reflected in countless articles and social media posts is this:

“Men are not competing with other men for women as they so strongly believe. Men are competing with women’s own peace and freedom in their lives as single women. For women to consider partnership, men must contribute equally or greater to the overall happiness and stability of the couple.”

Why It’s Tough for Men

Men, meanwhile, feel increasingly left out and deeply frustrated. Many express anger or sadness about being ignored on dating apps, feeling invisible or believing they’re unfairly judged for not earning enough or lacking higher degrees.

Part of this frustration comes from the dating pool becoming increasingly assortative — meaning people tend to choose partners who match them in education, income, lifestyle and values. Women who’ve invested heavily in their careers, personal growth and education often seek men who have done the same. As a result, men who don’t check these boxes can feel stuck in what one Reddit user described as “the deep end of the pool,” competing for fewer matches and facing more rejection.

Some men perceive that the bar for male partners has risen dramatically — that they now have to be financially secure, emotionally available, physically attractive, funny, adventurous and sensitive all at once. Many describe the experience as competing in a marketplace where only the top percentage of men seem to attract significant attention, while the majority feel overlooked.

There’s also a widespread feeling among men that online dating is a numbers game stacked against them. Apps tend to have significantly more male users than female, creating fierce competition. One common complaint is sending dozens — or hundreds — of messages and receiving little to no response, leaving men feeling rejected and demoralized.

For every 100 college-educated women, there are only 86 college-educated men (Brookings Institution, 2021). This mismatch leaves some men feeling invisible, inadequate or resentful, fueling narratives that women have become “hyper-selective” or that dating apps are inherently unfair.

What Men Can Do to Adapt

Men can absolutely improve their odds. Here’s how:

✅ Invest in Yourself: Education, hobbies and curiosity signal depth. Women value intelligence, kindness and emotional connection as much as financial security. Plus it gives you both something exciting to talk about during those dates!

✅ Show Emotional Intelligence: Be a good listener. Be vulnerable. Emotional maturity is a huge plus.

✅ Take Initiative: Plan dates, ask questions and help share the mental load. Women appreciate men who engage and contribute.

✅ Craft Better Profiles:

• For your profile pic use a clear, smiling headshot, ideally professionally taken. Psychologically people respond better to smiling faces who look kind and display good hygiene.
• Avoid photos with dead animals, giant fish, or hunting trophies unless that’s the demographic of the partner you want to attract (other hunters and anglers).
• Include photos with friends, photos of you happy or laughing, or with pets — these show you’re social and caring.
• Write a bio that shares your hobbies, personality and intentions honestly. Avoid angry or harsh statements like “NO fat women.” Instead, kindly state preferences, e.g., “I’m active and enjoy an athletic partner.”
• Be specific about what you’re looking for — whether it’s marriage or something casual.

✅ Start Conversations Thoughtfully: Read a woman’s profile — actually read it — and use it to craft a genuine first message. Pick something she wrote and ask a question about it. People love knowing you took the time to pay attention and that you’re genuinely interested. For example:

• “I see you love hiking — what’s your favorite trail around here?”
• “You mention you’re into live music. Any great bands you’ve seen recently?”

Pro Tip: Thoroughly read her profile and have a few follow-up questions ready in your mind. Keep the conversation flowing naturally. There is no bigger turn-off than someone who uses a date to talk non stop about themselves.

Avoid low-effort openers like “WYD (what are you doing)?” or “How’s your day?” These come across as generic and show little investment. Meaningful conversations start with curiosity and attention.

✅ Don’t Take Rejection Personally; Many women are cautious for good reasons. A polite “no thanks” usually isn’t about you personally. How you react says everything about you. A simple “thank you for telling me, I wish you the best in your dating,” leaves you looking mature and professional.

A Mindset Shift for Both Genders

One critical piece of advice for both men and women: Stay away from the question, “What do you bring to MY table?”

This ugly and unhelpful mindset focuses only on what someone else can provide you, reducing relationships to transactions and checklists. Instead, flip the question: “What do I bring to my own table?”

Becoming the partner you would want sets your own table for success. People want to sit down at a table where the linen is washed and ironed, and where there’s a lovely bouquet of flowers in the middle. No one wants to join you if they’re expected to bring their own silverware and napkins.

Prepare your table by becoming a good mate — emotionally stable, kind, fun, interesting, intelligent and self-sufficient — and you will naturally attract someone who fits alongside you best. Stop obsessing over what other people do or don’t bring. Once you create the table you want, the right person will want to join you there, and you’ll find you don’t want to dine without them ever again.